You guys!!! I got to meet Jen Hatmaker!! She has been my idol for years and she was just so great! She started out as a blogger just like me. And I always promised myself that if she came anywhere near me that I would GO SEE HER. no matter where I was or what was going on! So when she came to Iowa I had to go. I took my mom and my sister with me and it was so AMAZING. She is the most nicest person, and just makes everyone feel welcome and loved. This is what I am trying to do with my blog; let you know you are not alone.
What was very surprising to me is that, not only was it great to listen to her. But she really helped me with lots of things in my life. Especially things with my dad who is a compulsive gambler.
Learning about Pain
So, yes it was awesome seeing Jen Hatmaker, but the things she said were even better. I really worked through some things with her that I didn’t even know I had going on. Jen talked a lot about pain, and the ways we deal with pain. There are many physical pains, but there are also so many things that cause emotional pain. This is where she got me because I had been dealing with some emotional pain that I didn’t even realize.
I feel like we all have pain that we need to deal with. And now we are going to get real, my dad is a compulsive gambler, and that is something very hard for me to admit and to share with you all. It is just not a fun thing to talk about. But I hope maybe someone else will read this and feel better about their family situation.
My dad, the Compulsive Gambler
It started in junior high, when my dad starting gambling, but it didn’t get bad until I was in college and first married. The “bad” was the losing of his job, embezzling from his company, going to jail for his crimes, and stealing from ALL family members. Including his college aged daughter. It brought a lot of pain to the whole family, especially me because I took the blame on myself. If I had been a better daughter he wouldn’t have gone to gambling. And if I had been home more, I would have seen what was going on and taken care of my younger brother and sisters. I could have saved them from the embarrassment and the poverty. And this is why there was pain.
For many years I limped along, pretending my father did not exist, denying there was any pain. I got married and had two beautiful boys. If there was something that would bring my father back to us, it was my beautiful boys right? Wrong! I would let him see the boys and we tried to have a relationship, but as soon as I let him in, he would beg for money for gambling. He would have a great story about how his car has died, or he just needed money for rent. They were all lies. I didn’t give him anymore money, and he slowly left my life again.
I was back to being numb and denying the pain…except it would appear at the weirdest times. Like watching any movie that had a good father figure. Remember in The Croods when the father saved the daughter and just wanted her to know he loved her? Yeah, I was bawling in the back of the movie theater for that one.
What happened next
So I began to think that I needed to forgive my father and perhaps let him back into my life. Wasn’t that the way I forgave him? By talking to him again and being nice to him again? This is when I listened to Jen Hatmaker, and do you know what she said? You need to have boundaries! If there is pain and you know where that pain is coming from (my dad) then you need to stay away from that pain. So yes, I can forgive him, but that doesn’t mean I need him in my life. I can not have him around me or my family because I have two boys to protect, and I have myself to protect because I just can’t take anymore pain from him. If you are having problems forgiving your family member that is a compulsive gambler please go to this page.
I know it is hard, but this is your situation, this is not something for you to fix. If you are not the compulsive gambler, then it is not your problem to fix. In fact, you will not be able to fix it until the person is ready to get better. And just because you set up boundaries does not mean you won’t still have anxiety. So go to this post and find out ways to deal with that anxiety.
And until he gets better, I am keeping that boundary up. And you know what, I am good with that. I have made peace, and I don’t feel pain. So thank you Jen Hatmaker for being awesome, and for talking about pain.
Vanessa is a Doctor of Pharmacy who champions natural health. She lives with her husband of 18 years as well as her 12 & 15 year old sons. She aspires to encourage moms on their journey to family wellness through holistic health and essential oils.
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